Growing up in our household, spanking was a punishment that was dispensed exactly as it’s “meant” to be: calmly, rationally, and with a focus on helping understand the reason for the punishment.
I don’t remember ever being spanked. I’m sure it happened a time or two because my parents did not oppose spanking, but I don’t recall any instances that come to mind. But I do distinctly remember the times when my parents spanked my brother.
Having grown up in a home where spanking was an accepted form of punishment, and neither my brother nor I seems irreparably harmed from it, you’d think that today I would be in favor of spanking myself.
But personally, I’m not in favor of it. My daughter is now 3 years old, and it’s never been something I’ve been comfortable with. I have friends who spank, and I don’t for a second judge them for that fact.
Recent research states that spanking causes similar emotional and developmental harm as abuse to children.
According to the study, the more children receive a spanking, the more likely they are to defy their parents and experience:
- antisocial behavior
- aggression
- mental health problems
- cognitive difficulties
This is certainly not the only study of its kind. Plenty of other research exists that highlights the negative effects of spanking. And yet, some Americans believe spanking is an acceptable form of punishment. Why the disparity between the research and parental opinion?
Obviously, parents must perceive that there are some positives that the research is missing for them to still use spanking as a form of punishment. What do people believe are the benefits of spanking?
You’ll be hard-pressed to find any large-scale research that shows spanking to be effective in changing behavior and having no negative effects. But there are some studies out there that suggest spanking administered by “loving, well-intentioned parents” in a “nonabusive, disciplinary” environment can be an effective form of punishment.
Such studies claim that if you are going to spank your child, you have to do it in a calm, loving environment. Remember, the focus is on helping a child learn appropriate behavior, rather than simply satisfying a parent’s frustration in the heat of the moment.
Responding to punishment
Children respond differently to forms of punishment, even kids who grew up in the same home.
My brother and I are the perfect example of that. For some children, parents may truly believe that spanking is the only way to send a lasting message.
The shock factor
In general, I’m not a big yeller. But I will never forget the day my daughter let go of my hand and rushed out into the street ahead of me. I yelled like I’ve never yelled before. She stopped in her tracks, a look of shock across her face. She talked about it for days after. And so far, she has never repeated the behavior that inspired that yell. The shock factor worked.
Sometimes, you want that message to ring through loud and clear. You want the shock of it to remain with your child for days, months, even years after the fact. Ultimately, protecting our children is about preventing them from engaging in hazardous activities.
Various studies advise against spanking. Several international organizations have even issued a call for criminalizing corporal punishment, and the
Since 2018, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) strongly opposes striking a child for any reason. According to AAP, spanking is never recommended. Experts are in unanimous agreement on this fact: research shows that spanking does more harm than good.
Spanking teaches aggression
When my daughter was 2, she went through a pretty severe hitting phase. So severe, in fact, that we visited a behavioral therapist to help me establish the tools for putting an end to the hitting. Several people in our lives commented that if I would just try spanking her, she would stop.
I have to admit that it never made sense to me. I should hit her to teach her not to hit? I was able to curb her hitting within a few weeks of that first visit to the behavioral therapist. I have never regretted following that path instead.
The potential for doing it wrong
One thing is clear: Experts in this field stand firm that a parent should only use spanking in a very specific set of circumstances. That is, for children in the preschool age range who have committed truly willful disobedience, not small acts of defiance.
Parents should not use it for infants, and it is rarely suitable for older children with better communication abilities.
It is meant to send a strong message, not on a daily basis. Anger should not motivate it, nor should it cause illicit feelings of shame or guilt.
But if spanking is an accepted form of punishment in your home, what are the chances that in a moment of anger, you might lapse and resort to this punishment when you shouldn’t, or more aggressively than you should?
There seem to be very limited and controlled occasions when spanking might be truly effective and appropriate.
Effective punishments for setting clear expectations for children in regards to misbehaving include:
- outlining clear boundaries and consequences
- using time-outs to de-escalate situations
- using calm consequences such as removing privileges
- teach them what they can do differently
No, studies find that children do not behave better with physical punishment, and that physical punishments such as spanking can have adverse effects.
Ways to discipline a child that won’t listen include:
- staying calm
- maintaining eye contact
- using clear and positive instructions
- engage in positive praise
Ultimately, parents make the decision to spank on their own individual basis.
Conduct your research and consult with the people and experts in your life whom you trust. If you choose to spank, work to ensure that you are implementing this form of punishment in a calm and measured way, as the positive research suggests is necessary for it to be effective.
Beyond that, continue to love your children and provide a warm and caring home for them. All kids need that.