29 Things Only a Person Who’s Quitting Smoking Would Understand

Written by Ralph Bardeaux — Updated on October 15, 2017

Quitting smoking is no easy task. Learn to laugh along with your struggle.

1. Someone suggested that you try baby carrots when you’re having a craving, which is clearly ridiculous. You can’t smoke a carrot.

2. Finding out that the smokers’ helpline isn’t there to take cigarette delivery orders.

3. It’s time for bed and you feel like your day never started because you didn’t have a morning smoke.

4. Is there anything better than a cigarette with a cup of coffee? Is there?!?!

5. Two days after quitting, if someone said, “Pick one: A cigarette or incredible sex, right now,” it would be the toughest decision of your life.

6. Phantom cigarette: The sensation that a missing cigarette is still attached to your lips.

7. When you set a date to quit smoking, it quickly devolves into a rough approximation of the month in which you might start to consider thinking about quitting.

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8. The pact you made with a friend to quit together means you have to turn on ninja mode anytime you sneak a cigarette.

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9. Hello, health. Goodbye, James Dean-level coolness.

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10. After you quit, each day feels like a sentence without —

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11. You heard that nicotine may slow the progression of Alzheimer’s, and you rationalize that it’s actually better for your health to smoke.

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12. One of the reasons you started smoking was to impress some cool older kids. The worst part is, it probably worked.

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13. Another reason you started is that your mother always told you not to. So yeah, Mom, it kind of is your fault!

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14. When the guy at work suggests that you write down your feelings every time you crave a cigarette, all that comes out on paper is: “This guy is driving me crazy.”

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15. When you try to replace cigarettes with gum or a lollipop, you realize you’re suddenly the weirdo with the lollipop.

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16. Stress makes you want to smoke. Feeling tired makes you want to smoke. Hearing that it will rain in two weeks makes you want to smoke.

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17. You wear so many nicotine patches that you’ve started looking like a mummy.

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18. When your doctor tells you that you should quit, you begin to think that you really ought to find a different doctor.

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19. Nicotine gum is just like regular gum, except it comes with side effects like dizziness and nausea.

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20. You calculate how much money you’re saving by quitting, over and over again.

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21. While flipping through a pamphlet on how to quit smoking, you start fantasizing about smoking the pamphlet.

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22. You start jogging to keep yourself from smoking but soon discover that you can jog and smoke at the same time.

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23. What do non-smokers do after a nap? After vacuuming? After doing anything?

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24. You know what’s delightful after a good hard workout? Don’t say a cigarette. Don’t say a cigarette.

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25. You openly declare to friends that you’re going to quit. Then you try to convince them that they must have dreamed it when they catch you smoking a week later.

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26. Instead of lighting a cigarette, you light a candle or some incense. Now it looks like you’re living in a romance novel.

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27. You’ve tried hypnosis to quit. You still smoke, but now you also quack like a duck whenever anyone says “button.”

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28. Friends have found you staring longingly at used cigarette butts on the ground.

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29. You’ve read this entire list and really feel like you deserve a cigarette as a reward for your dedication.

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Written by Ralph Bardeaux — Updated on October 15, 2017

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